Why Zombies?

They grunt; they groan. They don't seem to have any particular talent beyond being uncannily undead and having no aversion to eating live flesh. Nothing can be said for the company they keep. If they're very lucky, they tend to attract gorgeous supermodel superheroes (a la Milla Jovovich of "Resident Evil" fame) who handsomely puts them out of their misery. Who are these minions of the army of uncool? They're zombies.

I'm a disturbed sleeper. So many of my nights are plagued by nightmares...nightmares populated by zombies. I hate zombies. I don't understand the point of them. The elusively seductive quality of vampires hardly needs to be expounded upon (even if it has become confused by that overly-powdered creation known as Edward Cullen), but what appeal do zombies hold? They're not even that threatening when you get right down to it. They're a slow-moving threat that can be outrun by any slacker on a pogo stick. And yet fear them I do.

Personally, and perhaps culturally, I think what is so fearsome about zombies is this idea of identity robbed. Sure your zombie self still mildly looks likes you, but you've lost all of your pizazz and ability to utter a witty comeback. And unless you're Michael Jackson, you're just never going to be able to bust a move again in your undead life. The most profound thing you're likely to slobber out of your mouth includes and is limited to the exclamation, "Brains!" In short, when I have nightmares about zombies, I think I'm expressing my hidden dread of losing all of my mental acuity, such as it is. (I don't much worry about losing my physical adeptness. I was never able to dance like Michael Jackson anyway...)

And I'm not the only one who's nervous. What started with Nicholas Carr's excellent book, The Shallows (see below), is continuing with the daily news reports. The printed word is evaporating within the desert that is the digital media barrage. We won't read print and become absorbed anymore; we will skim and become purveyors of superficial factoids. That whole mental acuity thing goes out the window, and the zombie nation takes hold. It's like a nightmare come true.

I didn't freak out when I learned that The Christian Science Monitor went entirely digital. I found it slightly unnerving when I read last week that Dorchester Publishing is moving entirely into e-book format. But I positively spat out my milk this morning when I found out that you can no longer by the print edition of The Times of London in the United States. What's happening? Are zombies taking over in an attempt to make more zombies?

You may say that I'm overreacting, but I do hold cling (as does Carr) to Marshall McLuhan's much touted tenet that "the medium is the message." Physical print is important because it is physical print and because of the level of absorption it invites a reader to delve into (as opposed to the shocking level of distraction provided by digital media sources...I mean, good god, do books really need video content? What a way to bastardize the medium...). I am slightly worried, during my waking and my dreaming hours, that when the army of zombies come, it won't be to your door but to your computer.

And as a blogger, I would seem to be part of the problem rather than part of the solution. The zombies have a hold of me too. Now all I can do is wait for Milla Jovovich to come get me, so I guess this isn't all bad.